If there is one thing I wish for every mama like me it would be the gift of a guilt-free happiness with or without (but, especially without) their kids.
A couple of nights ago, I’ve gone out to two Christmas parties in a week. The first one is a must plus I won some grand in the raffle so it was okay. The second one was more like an internal year-end bonding with colleagues. The mister and I had a miscommunication, actually, we failed to communicate timely that day. Like, I would text him and he’d reply several hours later and when he texts me, I‘d read his messages late. Then, we’d missed each other’s calls. So, he didn’t know/hear that it would be an after-office party although I’m certain I told him we would be leaving the office at 5 PM. He ended up waiting in my office for three hours with no dinner. My mom also asked where I was although I’m also certain I contracted my sister for babysitting that night. Anyway, I left the party before it ended.
The mister who was understandably pissed off due to hunger was not talking to me on our way home. I asked if he wanted to eat before we go home but he said it was already late. Late naman na talaga. And, when we arrived home, they complained about baby V not wanting to sleep because she’s looking for me, well, my breasts! Naturally, the fun night was quickly filled with guilt feeling.
I don’t know how but I want to have a good time and a big laugh without the guilt. My kids make me laugh and smile, that’s a fact. They give me an incomparable, unimaginable and indescribable bliss that is beyond belief. But, I just realized how I’ve missed laughing with (not at) other people, adult people. For so long, I lived an elusive life because I prioritized my family. One night of fun and laughter cost me so much guilt. Unbelievable! I remember last year, I had to give up attending year-end parties because I had to go with the mister and the kids in Subic because no one would look after the kids while he was on a planning session. We were supposed to split the kids, one would be with him in the office, two would be with me, only the other was still in my tummy. But, because of his Planning, we were forced to all go.
The other day, he kept talking about the mass promotion happening in his office. I know it’s his brainchild so I let him tell me the story repeatedly for several months until that night when his colleagues were finally deliberated. I finally had the courage to ask him to please stop talking about promotions because while I sure am happy with other people’s success, tao lang din naman ako, nasasaktan, it makes me sad for myself. Thankfully, he got my drift.
I’ve been stagnant career-wise for five years. Motherhood may be the best thing that ever happened to me but it sure does not come with candies, flowers, and rainbows. I had to sacrifice a lot including my career and relationships. I could not commit myself to bigger roles, higher goals, and more responsibilities because I am a mother first of three young children. What role and responsibility could be more overwhelming than that?
I’m not regretting anything. I’m not sad being a mommy. That, I am very sure of. I’m most definitely happy with my role as a mommy. I’m more than contented with serving God by fulfilling my mission, i.e. to mother his children. I just hope that once in a while we get to enjoy a hearty laugh too with our adult friends without the guilt feeling. I want to be useful and have a meaning other than being a mother. It’s not that it is bad for someone’s life to revolve around her family. I just feel like I’m on a dangerous edge and I have to act quickly before my own perfectly imperfect world stumbles down.
Okay, this is not such a holidayie post. I’m sorry. But, from the bottom of my heart, I wish you, mommies, a guilt-free happiness, laugh, life, especially outside motherhood!