Blissful Thoughts, my ever dearest blog since 2012 (2008 if I would count the confusion stage including all the names it went through and all my dear diary kind of posts back then) started out as a lifestyle blog wannabe. But, I guess I never had that much of an interesting, mind-boggling lifestyle so it didn’t take off. And, it’s fine. I just wanted to write then and obviously until now. My blog began getting visitors when I became a mom which as a consequence shifted my topics to motherhood, parenting, and marriage. One particular topic which boosted my blog’s stats dramatically was about a mommy confession.
Yes, most moms are embarrassed to share in public the not-so-good stuff about motherhood. They are considered taboo but they are part of reality. Topics such as baby blues, postpartum depression, melancholiness, and exhaustion. My first mommy confession was about my sadness when I discovered I was pregnant with baby no. 2. Who would admit such feeling? Only evil moms feel sad over a baby. That’s the norm. So, it was kind of a controversial post which garnered most reactions and one of my most read entries.
From then on I decided to not only write how joyful and magical motherhood is but also the struggles we moms face every single day and night. My other confessions were about postpartum depression, my worry regarding my son’s antibiotic intakes and my financial security fears as our family grows. Just this week, I again realized something worth confessing because my guess is that I’m not the only working mama who is feeling this.
When I discovered I was pregnant with Lorini, I welcomed the news in a much better way than with Claret’s. Also, I considered resigning from my work and be a full-time mommy or just work part-time as an instructor, blogger, trader or put up my own business (with my best friend). With adrenaline kicking in and pregnancy hormones, I did a lot of research and planning on how to earn money while staying at home with my kiddos. I have it all sorted out. However, I did ask God for signs on what He wants me to do because that’s basically all I want, please Him and fulfill the mission He tasked me to do.
Fast forward to today, I enjoy staying home taking care of the kids especially now that Lorini is starting to smile and coo. I am excited too for Jonath going back to school. But, I can’t find time to work even for just a small project so personally, I don’t feel productive. This feeling of unproductiveness makes me want to go back to work. Working at home is no joke. It’s not an easy feat, you know. Salute to all work at home parents! So, even if I enjoy this traffic-less life, I somehow terribly miss working in a structured set-up. I miss practicing my craft, talking to others about the things I know I’m good at and simply being relevant somewhere else except in our home.
At the moment, I’m too chicken to risk losing it all by leaving my job and staying at home with the kids. By all, I mean the income, my sense of fulfillment, my sense of worth and the current lifestyle we are able to give our kids.
Still, I am not closing my heart and my mind. It will always be about what God’s plans are for me and my family. It’s just so strange to me yet I bet it’s normal how I love and enjoy being with my kids 24/7 and long to be useful at something else at the same time.
Who else wants to be a working mama?
PS: Please forgive any error (typo or grammatical) I am typing through phone only. Must buy a laptop soon.