In a blink of an eye, Holy Week is over! I feel terribly guilty for not being able to reflect and pray so much, for not being able to finish my Lenten Series in this blog, for not being able to do the traditional Visita Iglesia and for not being able to attend masses. Thank God, He quickly took away my guilt and made me realize I’m doing exactly the devotion He wants me to do in my lifetime, and that is to be a homemaker (a mother, a wife, a house helper all in one).
Out of exhaustion from all my mommy duties, including the grueling days my daughter got sick and out of frustration from (feeling) not doing enough for God, I blurted out to my husband, “Maybe this long vacation (plus my leave from work) is my cross to carry, my form of sacrifice this Holy Week.”. He smiled in agreement. I know, I know. Please don’t raise your eyebrow just yet.
I know that motherhood is supposed to be the most amazing and wonderful journey a woman can ever experience, and it is! It truly is. But, I do feel I have to be truthful also for other women, especially to young girls, that motherhood is not always a walk in the clouds or park. Sometimes it gets too overwhelming, often tiring and always makes your heart skip a beat, whether of joy or fear.
Aside from soiled diapers, cleaning butts, running around the house to clothe them, brush their teeth and fill their tummies, not to forget the number of times you wipe their noses, dry their eyes from crying and act stupid just to ease their tantrums plus the need for a mini mic stand before somebody listens to me, there are parts of motherhood which I still dread up to now, even after having two kids. What could be hard raising adorable kids, you may ask, well…
Children getting sick is a real tough situation. I for one, get so emotional when my kids get a fever higher than 380c. I can’t sleep well, not because I do not want to but because sick children will keep you awake all night. I can’t eat well also. I lose my appetite. Without enough sleep and nutrition, I get highly emotional, and so, I easily get drained both physically and emotionally. I even cry in front of our pediatrician. Hehe. Maybe because I was traumatized when my son had to be confined in a hospital when he was only 6 months old due to urinary tract infection. Up to this day, it’s as if I could still hear his screams as the doctors tried to connect in his vein the dextrose.
Insecurity and inadequacy plus all other guilt feeling are killers when you are a mom. I do not get envy for myself as much as I get envy for my kids. I mean, of course, I want to give them the best life possible because they deserve nothing less. That’s why when I see kids such as the Kramers, it becomes too easy to feel insecure and inadequate. I feel guilty for not giving them as much as others have. I feel like I’m failing and that they are not so lucky for having me. Yes, I know. I can be hard on myself sometimes. And, I need to end that attitude. I am aware of that too. It’s not healthy nor helping me and my kids. However, I don’t believe either that I should use other underprivileged kids’ situations in order to convince myself that my kids are fortunate to have me as their mom as compared to them. They key is nothing simpler than to just stop the comparison perhaps, period. All I must do is to strive every day to take care of my children better than how I did yesterday. Social media can be a big obstacle for this but I should learn how to control my reactions to outside forces.
The thought of them leaving me someday makes me feel bad, thought pa lang yun ha. I guess it’s understandable because they’ve been very attached to us for the longest time, so, we naturally dread the thoughts of marriage, possible migration and independence. What more if you think of death pa, diba? It scares the hell out of me and when I’m that scared, nothing I can turn to but God. I try to remind myself every night, as I stare at them sweetly sleeping beside me that I do not own them. They are not my possessions. They are God’s creations and servants. They were just entrusted to me for a period of time which only He knows how long so that I can take care of them and raise them in Godly ways. They have their own purposes. I pray every day though, for God to do me this favor of not letting me go through the pain of losing a child. I am not the strong and I believe He knows that already.
Lastly, it’s hard to think of what the future holds for them. I know that I can only do so much as their parent. Ultimately, their life’s path would be their choice. They will meet many people. There will be many outside influences. No matter what I do as a parent, even if I give them my best and my all, I know something might still get wrong along the way. It’s a real heart-breaker for a parent to see their child destroying his/her life. Pero syempre, wala naman tayo magagawa dyan but to pray to God always, to stay positive that the seeds of love and care we planted in their hearts would soon bear fruits and be there always as a parent.
When I was just a new mom, I thought that the hardest parts of being one are the lack of social life, lack of me-time, lack of couple-time, zero travel, nanny problems and financial woes. Now that I’m gearing towards my fourth year as a mom, I realized that those issues are nothing compared to what I’ve said above. Tumatanda na nga yata talaga ako, hehe.
All these hardships, of course, can be very well compensated by love – love for my kids and their love for me. And now that I firmly believe that this motherhood is not only my choice or a destiny but a purpose God has assigned to me, I draw so much inspiration from the thought that I’m serving God while mothering my children. I have all the reasons in the world to be good at it and be better for every tomorrow. And, I believe same thing goes for all of you mommies. We can do this, with the love, help and guidance by the Man up there!
*photo from Instagram